Sorry I was busy.

Starting my day at 5.30 am energetically, followed by waking up my daughter and leaving house at exact 7.30 am with packed tiffin, breakfast, fruits nuts hanging in tupperwares all around me.

From there meeting schedulers, work commitments, expiring reminders, kathak class, weekend zumbas, physiotherapy, spiritual discourses, latest addiction to statistics and my life was running at high pace with high hopes and disappointments which went altogether.

This saturday after my zumba class, i got applauded for possessing incomparable energy and then i felt creeping headache and lethargy by afternoon. Sunday felt feverish.. The first worry was of important commitments for Monday which i did not want to miss.

Monday came, i took a day's leave from office reluctantly, promised some delay in my work. Tuesday i was diagnosed with malaria and i was off.

There were phases i went through during this 1 month when i was absent from everyone life who was associated to me.

Malaria did not cure, it came along with an accomplice which got revealed after 12 days of fever, that's Typhoid. I encountered worst fever cycles, bursts of stomach cramps, sleepless shivering under blankets, painful channeling and i surrendered myself slowly to this slowdown of life that one night.

Initially first few days, i grumbled for missing a conference, few work opportunities. Slowly i chartered a list of people i had grudges against for not showing enough sympathy as per my expectations. All this went away that night when i watched that wall clock and its lethargically moving hands whole night.

My 103.8F fever was not coming down and hospital was adamant on not giving any more paracetamol. They experimented with ice bath, ice bed, ice pillow, ice armpit block all that to ensure i suffer from cold and cough additionally that night.

I realized, emptiness of everything i had till date. Those freezing restless feet, with fever rising on head, everything else seemed worthless than those soft hands of someone rubbing my feet at midnight so that i could breath normally for few moments.

I felt its so many days i am absent from my work, my books, my health sessions, my classes and my family. It used to give me tonnes of stress to miss any of these even for a day. I am ABSENT and freely lying in that bed.
I was ABSENT and everything was still fine. Nothing broke, Nothing waited, Nothing felt me as important as i felt i was for all these.

My team at work found alternates, my friends felt my absence was nothing noticeable, my parents/siblings had heard enough busy stories from me that they felt it usual, my daughter accommodated with love others gave and things adjusted to my absence much sooner than i could imagine.

Did i feel sad, bad ? Actually i felt free. I felt good!!

It was like i forgave everyone from my grudges list, it felt worthless to shelter it anymore.
I loved people who were there for me helping me to heal.

In those lighter moments i enjoyed a reminders free life. A reckless, directionless, hopeless, a bit of life full of just life.
I watched TV without caring for endless hours getting wasted in slothful activities.

I realized, i am not a indispensable piece in life's zigsaw puzzle. It all will run, will go smooth and soon the gap will be filled....

Things don't need me to be worried and active to take care of them all the time. Its okay if i delay a mail's response for some time, it all went smooth without me for 30 days. Its okay if i take rest.

I realized though my work helps me financially, but that soft touch is precious when needed in life. That love and care which is there in loved ones is most valuable and should be valued in fine days too.

I wanted to call a few lost friends, wish some of them a happy birthday for past years i missed, i replied to a few wtsapp pending messages after long and i wished a few to get well soon.

I felt playing throw and catch with my daughter again was nothing less than a blessing, i thanked with tears for digesting my first bite of parantha after starving for days, i felt sleeping with family, getting a painless full stomach sleep was a boon.

I realized, life has expanse beyond than my own made boundaries.

i can stay light and just love and live.

"Man of the house"

Definition in dictionary says "the most important male member of a family, who is responsible for doing things such as paying bills, making important decisions etc"

Who is man of the house? When there are working woman earning well hand in hand who is Man of the house? Why when a woman sharing financial burden to run a house, still society perceives woman as an associated financial entity working for fun?

Isn't it sad to know this is the way a woman is perceived after all this hard work.

I got hold of diary of a working woman, lets see glimpses from a routine day's scribbled notes of hers...

As compared to my male peers, Its much harder, more alert, more disciplined, healthily, on schedulers and reminders,
i live my day with multi-fold facets of duties to handle, just to perform at par in my workplace ?

I have educated, smart, new generation modern men all around me today. I am surrounded by men, who have been with working women, in all fields from aviation to construction sites.

But i still have men who eats like me but waits for someone to cook. I still have men out of them who when finds a messy house, looks at someone with disappointment.
I still have men who take their career decisions freely which I follow and it's well accepted in society without a hitch.
I still have men who when take care of their own child in my absence, expect a "big thank" in return.
I still have men who don't know where things are kept in their "own" homes.
I still breath in a society where creches are only women employee's "first demand and biggest relief", despite of the fact that each of those
children have a working father too.

It's not an easy world for me as a working woman and when i juggle somehow among all these and then if i perform well in my workplace, i am not graded well because same men are there too somewhere.

I am not an individual instead i am an associated entity to a man.

Its difficult to understand not only by society even by my family and parents, WHY do "I" require that coveted position or remuneration when i am just an additional source of income to house.

And I am not here to blame only men for this lopsided structure of society.

If this men world alone had to be rewired.. It would have been lot easier, its roots are deeper..
because this system is running on shoulders of women like me itself in different roles..

I will share a short story here to highlight my thought..

Nikhil one of my relative stays in guwhati in a joint family. He is most adorable son, a good husband and father of 3 kids.
He has revered & pampered his mother till last days and considered wife and kids as his secondary responsibility.
One day his eldest daughter got married and soon she was expecting a kid. You what she earnestly prayed to god..??
She diligently prayed day and night " to have a son who is just like her father ......"

Thats is opportunistic duality in our womanhood. Lets try to avoid it in relationships at home and at workplace.

lets be good to us and also to ones like us.
lets not just wish us women's day instead be justified to us in all forms around us.
lets stop being judgemental to ones not like us.
"lets teach and train our sons and brothers first before telling it to our husbands.
lets wear equality robe in all roles..
lets not be situationally and rationally equal.
lets love our kind as a whole and teach others same.

A very happy women's day.

"Did you like something......" he asked .......

Lets accept it shamelessly ,I being not at all unusual , am a person who tries to chase each single free/discounted offer in the market.

Once i was with my husband in "Center One" mall Vashi Navi Mumbai and intended to buy a handbag.I searched many places but none was into "my range" which mostly is just a little less than what is available in that shop
Finally .....

We reached to a small crowded chinese shop with so many ladies like me searching through many items available in that shop , anything you may ask, starting from tooth brush to accessories to shoes to everything and it was there in that shop at so called "reasonable rates" .I went inside with a hope of a "reasonable price" hand bag.

And... i found one , not only one but two three all together in one corner of shop hanging together on a peg !!

I was happy i found them okay in looks and tried to take out one , but "what was that ?" i found it was heavy .It had something EXTRA inside ...with it fully free

I disentangled one bag from others and tried to judge what is there inside, by shape of object , feeling it from outside of bag..judged from its sound that it was steel sound, later recognized it must be some utensil inside and ..........

i was filled with unspoken satisfaction that finally i found a bag, in reasonable range that too with Free tiffin boxes inside ..i was happy in simple words.

I went with the bag to salesman asking for price telling that i liked it and want to buy it .

"whats d price of it ?" i asked

"Its not for sale mam .."he replied

"but why? "i asked with surprise

"They are staff bags mam ....please choose some thing else from the shop ...." he said candidly ...

I was so embarrassed and wanted to hide myself somewhere into dark pit inside ground while putting his bag back to its place.

I just rushed outside that shop where my husband was waiting and

"did you like something ?" he asked

"yes but......"i said ...............:)

irony that confuses ..

जहा सूखे घडो के ढेर को
लम्बी क़तर में मुह चिड़ाते
देखा प्यासी रोती सूखी आँखों ने
कुआ सूखा , नल है सूखा
चिलचिलाती धुप जलाती
गीली जीभ को भी सूखा रही है

सूखी घास पानी में गूंथे
बूखी रोती मुनिया , छाती पर बांधे
खाली बर्तन टन टन करते टंकार
कर्जा रुपी काली डायन , सीने पर कर रही झंकार
पर बापू किसान , चंद घंटे पहले
आत्महत्या का हुआ शिकार

सड़के कच्ची, बिजली न पहुंचे
भयंकर गरीबी जबड़ो में दबोचे
शिक्षा स्कूल ना समझे जरूरी
बीवी बचो संग , जम कर करो मजूरी ,

तब कोई कहता मेरा देश में कमी है
कमी देश में पानी की और अन्न की
और सबसे भारी कमी धन की ...

यह सच्चाई नहीं , पर है एक सरल बहाना
कमी कमी का डंका बजा कर , ५ साल तक कुर्सी ज़माना
प्रपंच गडा जाता है , कमी का भयंकर
भुवन भवन गगन चूमते , बनते जाते उनके समय पर

क्योंकि जहा एक तरफ का भारत प्यासा
दूजी तरफ है नग्न तमाशा
झुण्ड रैन डांस में नाचे
खेतो का पानी , पैसे वाले नाचने को खींचे

क्योंकि जहा एक तरफ का भारत भूखा
वही सड़कर गलकर ढेरो टन में
फेंका जाता कनक गट्टर में
जहा मुनिया रोये निवाले को एक
भर्ष्टाचार निगले वह मुनिया अनेक


जहा एक तरफ मेरा देश गरीब , कमी धन की जहा बड़ी है
खेलो का बहाना बनाकर , करोड़ो की लूट मची है

स्तादियम फ्ल्योवर ब्रिज और सड़के
पैसो की ज्यों बाड है आई , कहते खुद को फिर भी कड़के


कभी नाम पर चारे के ,कभी नाम पर बन्दूको के
कभी नाम पर खेलो के ,खाया खाया कितना खाया ,
लोभ की गोली खायी, और दुश्चरित्र के चूरन से सब पचाया

यु शर्म करे और सोचे खुद में

जवाब क्या देंगे गर पूछे
मुनिया किसना सुखिया हम से
क्या देश है तुम्हारी निजी जायदाद
लूटा खसोटा भेडियो सा , देख का बस अपना स्वार्थ

एक स्तादियम हजार करोड का
भर पायेगा क्या पेट हमारा

what surprises me!!

A man whom everyone saw that he killed people brutally in open. Still it took 1 year to prove the same .Not even that same thing will have to be proved right again in all higher courts now !!
I think .. What would be fate of those killers who kill secretly.
Poor criminal will have to wait long for judgement in indian courts
on the pretext of democracy in india.

"what do you think ..he was conducting a survey "he said ..

Its when, i was traveling from Mumbai to Madras for IIT interview after clearing GATE exam.I boarded the train at 3 pm from CST.
Now at around 8 pm a man with pen & paper was coming from other end of my compartment, asking loudly from every one "veg or nonveg ? ".
I, as you might find it difficult to believe, got not at all confused and replied
that I was VEG from my side upper seat .Okay it went well and as it went well, I slept then.

Now at 9 pm that man came again,tapped me and offered me a plate of dinner.
Me coming out of sleep, peeped out of blanket told him "thanks i dont require .".
He said "require means you have ordered it . you will have to take it"
"when did i order dinner and why will i, i have got home made food with me " I said.
"you only told an hour ago " said a guy, sitting on side lower seat , looking surprisingly upwards at me, bending outward from his seat .
"No i dint !! "i told with exclamation
"You said vegeterian " he told
"Oh that i said , but not that i need food......"
"Was he asking for food order then ? "i asked hush hush voice while understanding that i ordered food unknowingly.
" What did you think ? He was conducting a survey, of veg/nonveg people, here in train ? " everyone laughed at his question to me
they all understood it must be my first journey in train .
"I thought he is asking everyone , and everyone is replying, so did i ..." i was so embarrassed.
and i took food quietly.

but till date i remember, how funny was to declare my vegetarian status, when i had no intention of ordering food .:)