Sorry I was busy.

Starting my day at 5.30 am energetically, followed by waking up my daughter and leaving house at exact 7.30 am with packed tiffin, breakfast, fruits nuts hanging in tupperwares all around me.

From there meeting schedulers, work commitments, expiring reminders, kathak class, weekend zumbas, physiotherapy, spiritual discourses, latest addiction to statistics and my life was running at high pace with high hopes and disappointments which went altogether.

This saturday after my zumba class, i got applauded for possessing incomparable energy and then i felt creeping headache and lethargy by afternoon. Sunday felt feverish.. The first worry was of important commitments for Monday which i did not want to miss.

Monday came, i took a day's leave from office reluctantly, promised some delay in my work. Tuesday i was diagnosed with malaria and i was off.

There were phases i went through during this 1 month when i was absent from everyone life who was associated to me.

Malaria did not cure, it came along with an accomplice which got revealed after 12 days of fever, that's Typhoid. I encountered worst fever cycles, bursts of stomach cramps, sleepless shivering under blankets, painful channeling and i surrendered myself slowly to this slowdown of life that one night.

Initially first few days, i grumbled for missing a conference, few work opportunities. Slowly i chartered a list of people i had grudges against for not showing enough sympathy as per my expectations. All this went away that night when i watched that wall clock and its lethargically moving hands whole night.

My 103.8F fever was not coming down and hospital was adamant on not giving any more paracetamol. They experimented with ice bath, ice bed, ice pillow, ice armpit block all that to ensure i suffer from cold and cough additionally that night.

I realized, emptiness of everything i had till date. Those freezing restless feet, with fever rising on head, everything else seemed worthless than those soft hands of someone rubbing my feet at midnight so that i could breath normally for few moments.

I felt its so many days i am absent from my work, my books, my health sessions, my classes and my family. It used to give me tonnes of stress to miss any of these even for a day. I am ABSENT and freely lying in that bed.
I was ABSENT and everything was still fine. Nothing broke, Nothing waited, Nothing felt me as important as i felt i was for all these.

My team at work found alternates, my friends felt my absence was nothing noticeable, my parents/siblings had heard enough busy stories from me that they felt it usual, my daughter accommodated with love others gave and things adjusted to my absence much sooner than i could imagine.

Did i feel sad, bad ? Actually i felt free. I felt good!!

It was like i forgave everyone from my grudges list, it felt worthless to shelter it anymore.
I loved people who were there for me helping me to heal.

In those lighter moments i enjoyed a reminders free life. A reckless, directionless, hopeless, a bit of life full of just life.
I watched TV without caring for endless hours getting wasted in slothful activities.

I realized, i am not a indispensable piece in life's zigsaw puzzle. It all will run, will go smooth and soon the gap will be filled....

Things don't need me to be worried and active to take care of them all the time. Its okay if i delay a mail's response for some time, it all went smooth without me for 30 days. Its okay if i take rest.

I realized though my work helps me financially, but that soft touch is precious when needed in life. That love and care which is there in loved ones is most valuable and should be valued in fine days too.

I wanted to call a few lost friends, wish some of them a happy birthday for past years i missed, i replied to a few wtsapp pending messages after long and i wished a few to get well soon.

I felt playing throw and catch with my daughter again was nothing less than a blessing, i thanked with tears for digesting my first bite of parantha after starving for days, i felt sleeping with family, getting a painless full stomach sleep was a boon.

I realized, life has expanse beyond than my own made boundaries.

i can stay light and just love and live.

Shd i do business of service ?

Do you have this question in mind ?

My answer is
If you have habbit to work more than your what you are paid, then jump into business ; else jump into service .................

i learnt ..........it from life ...........

भूल से भूल हो गयी.........

ऐसा लगता है की
ऐसा सा लगता हैं की
खुद ही खुद को खुद ही के हाथो से
निकलते देख रही हूँ
खुद ही के हाथो से
फिसलते देख रही हूँ ...

संभाले ना संभल रही हैं
बस जिंदगी का दिया और ....
बाटी धीरे धीरे जल रही हैं
धीरे धीरे जल रही हैं
धीरे धीरे जल रही हैं .........

खुद ही की डोर जो हाथ से सरकती सरकती ..
रोकना चाह उछाल लगायी ...
भागी दौड़ी सब जान लगायी ..
संभाले ना वोह तब संभलती ...बस सरकती सरकती ...
ना जाने कब ........

बस पतंग को ढीले पड़ते हुए देखा ..
गिरते हुए धीरे धीरे कट कर
खुद की पतंग मैं देख रही हूँ ....
फिर लगता की .............

जब बाती में ज़िन्दगी से लड़ने की शक्ति थी ...
जब डोर हाथो में संभल सकती थी
तब ही उस दीपक तले ....
सपनो की चादर बुन लेती तो अच था ...
तब ही उस पतंग को आकाश की
असीम ऊंची दुनिया से मिलवाती तो अच्छा था



आज हवा चलेगी ..और बाती का तेल जलने लगेगा ..
कभी वर्षा शायद बाती को ....समय निकलने का एहसास दिलाने लगे .......
आज शायद ...हवा रुख पलट ले ...
और मेरी पतंग ...को समय के आगे झुकने का एहसास दिलाने लगे ...
और मुझे मेरी नासमझी में छूटी हुई लगाम का एहसास दिलाने लगे ..

भूल से भूल हो गयी
पर समय तो बस चलता ही रहता हैं
चलता ही रहता हैं ....वोह अपनी रफ़्तार में ...
फिर आवाज लगा कर मुझे पूछता की
तुम पीछे क्यों रह गयी ...
तुम पीछे क्यों रह गयी ...


बस मैं यही कह पायी की
भूल से भूल हो गयी ............
भूल से भूल हो गयी ............

irony that confuses ..

जहा सूखे घडो के ढेर को
लम्बी क़तर में मुह चिड़ाते
देखा प्यासी रोती सूखी आँखों ने
कुआ सूखा , नल है सूखा
चिलचिलाती धुप जलाती
गीली जीभ को भी सूखा रही है

सूखी घास पानी में गूंथे
बूखी रोती मुनिया , छाती पर बांधे
खाली बर्तन टन टन करते टंकार
कर्जा रुपी काली डायन , सीने पर कर रही झंकार
पर बापू किसान , चंद घंटे पहले
आत्महत्या का हुआ शिकार

सड़के कच्ची, बिजली न पहुंचे
भयंकर गरीबी जबड़ो में दबोचे
शिक्षा स्कूल ना समझे जरूरी
बीवी बचो संग , जम कर करो मजूरी ,

तब कोई कहता मेरा देश में कमी है
कमी देश में पानी की और अन्न की
और सबसे भारी कमी धन की ...

यह सच्चाई नहीं , पर है एक सरल बहाना
कमी कमी का डंका बजा कर , ५ साल तक कुर्सी ज़माना
प्रपंच गडा जाता है , कमी का भयंकर
भुवन भवन गगन चूमते , बनते जाते उनके समय पर

क्योंकि जहा एक तरफ का भारत प्यासा
दूजी तरफ है नग्न तमाशा
झुण्ड रैन डांस में नाचे
खेतो का पानी , पैसे वाले नाचने को खींचे

क्योंकि जहा एक तरफ का भारत भूखा
वही सड़कर गलकर ढेरो टन में
फेंका जाता कनक गट्टर में
जहा मुनिया रोये निवाले को एक
भर्ष्टाचार निगले वह मुनिया अनेक


जहा एक तरफ मेरा देश गरीब , कमी धन की जहा बड़ी है
खेलो का बहाना बनाकर , करोड़ो की लूट मची है

स्तादियम फ्ल्योवर ब्रिज और सड़के
पैसो की ज्यों बाड है आई , कहते खुद को फिर भी कड़के


कभी नाम पर चारे के ,कभी नाम पर बन्दूको के
कभी नाम पर खेलो के ,खाया खाया कितना खाया ,
लोभ की गोली खायी, और दुश्चरित्र के चूरन से सब पचाया

यु शर्म करे और सोचे खुद में

जवाब क्या देंगे गर पूछे
मुनिया किसना सुखिया हम से
क्या देश है तुम्हारी निजी जायदाद
लूटा खसोटा भेडियो सा , देख का बस अपना स्वार्थ

एक स्तादियम हजार करोड का
भर पायेगा क्या पेट हमारा

Rigidity

The way, rigidity towards customs/culture/language, madden us, when coming generations don't own them, it gud that we forget everything in reincarnation

It may not be apparent -- but i have possibilities ...

We know ourselves only that much as is told by people around us , about us.

I know myself, assuring it i make a statement about myself, based on the few events i remember involving me.
But those are only "events",its not necessary that for same event our reaction will be same next time too.For a particular event our reaction is sum of total state of mind , people, environment at that particular time.That doesnt give us a factual knowledge about who we are .
Resultantly when we make a statement about us, we feel doubtful, Am i like that ? will i always behave like that ?
And then in our doubtful state , people around us overpower our thoughts, start controlling our image in our eyes.We start trusting what they tell us , about who we are !!

Now important point is, That observation by people is again based on just events.Still we trust
it and make it truth of our life.

How could someone summarize me when i am, who is living every moment with myself, is so unsure about me?
"you cant do it.I know you "As My friend tells me......
How could someone know me in entirety? There can be thousand unraveled aspects of mine,
with which i might do wonders, which might falsify him totally ...... Yes it may ...

But before pointing anyone for inducing self inferiority in me ... i should ask myself ....At this stage of life , some very simple but pertinent questions ..

Why have i stopped experimenting,exploring with new things, considering benchmarks of my life's few good/bad experiences ? Does getting more experience mean becoming so rigidly intellectual that we dont give IT a try at least ?How can i assume its all i know about "me" and nothing more than that is left which will astonish me ?

Do i dare to meddle with unknown today, as i used to when i was single ?Moreover Did i dare to play with frightening unknowns as i could when i was a child ?

It seems then i was naive on earth wrapped in innocence of childhood , could take any challenge. As i dint know stairs once but without making long risk analysis i tried it yeah!! i just tried it once and many more times..I remember falling from my bicycle so many times before i could just ride it in my street, from one end to other, smoothly.
Important thing is falling at that time never added more weight to my shoulders as it does today , rather it excited me wonderfully.
As growing old on the earth , i am becoming more aware , i am becoming more knowledgeable , with that i am becoming more fearful.yes in very simple words FEARFUL......

Sounds so unfamiliar may be "Whom do i fear ?" One might question ...
I say "from everything..." we have stopped living with free spirit , have stopped being IMPROMPTU Its planning planning planning --- for everything is result of fear, we have, from everything that has possibility to happen in future.

I myself felt my whole day goes in maintaining tiny things ,pending lists of tasks, so that life next day goes smooth , but then i stop and wonder .. Where has life lost in between ????? .........................
..............................................................
Things to organize life, so that we can enjoy later, has consumed whole life itself ...
One of my friend spends time in cleanliness of house to the extent that before she gets time to enjoy that cleanliness turn of next round of cleanliness comes :)
Even I myself sometime while exercising tire myself so much , that when it comes time to work with "that healthy body" i tend to sleep .....
you know someone said .....i spent whole life in stringing and unstringing my guitar to play best music piece some day.

in brief what i mean to say we will have to see priority of things to see our " possibilities" , Certain things are just to smoothen flow of life that is not LIFE itself


We should wake up knowing that its a new life of one day span and sleep thinking one life is over That means Every day i should balance between Enjoyment and Work and instead of leaving enjoyment pending for some other day, some other month OR to some other unpredictable but Planned year !! .

Should hug challenges with the excitement of seeing unknown colors of life as after every such challenge i come out more stronger.Should not anticipate my capabilities and should never even let others to do that
as its impossible to anticipate what i am upto
.........and simplest funda is live everyday Fully ...
enjoy it love everyone around Its too small span of life to hate people ... Love and stay happy Enjoy what we do ............

what surprises me!!

A man whom everyone saw that he killed people brutally in open. Still it took 1 year to prove the same .Not even that same thing will have to be proved right again in all higher courts now !!
I think .. What would be fate of those killers who kill secretly.
Poor criminal will have to wait long for judgement in indian courts
on the pretext of democracy in india.

Me , my husband and SRK Vs Amitabh

if you are true indian must be a fan of bollywood and cricket and if you are fan of cricket then you must be fan of sachin tendulakar OR if you are a bollywood freak then you HAVE to be fan of Amitabh that's what i learnt after my marriage.

This is about me who had no interest in watching movies before i got married, for me it was a waste of precious time which i could spend deep in either slumber or in my self help books. But you know, you will see that Its some trick of God that he makes two opposite poles to get married so that those joke books which are getting high sales on the basis of "miya biwi jokes" keep getting sold.
But in any case It happens...that's an undeniable fact .I have couples of my age all around me, cribbing over their differences in nature. Sometimes i feel, how bad GOD must be in organizing people, For If i can see that husband of couple 'X' suits more to wife of couple 'Y' then why cant he see the simple fact !! ..
But i guess he also enjoys these little mirchi fights and why wont he ? If i was given a chance
to edit BIG BOSS to make it a bit better then Would i ever remove those mirchi masala fights no never !! Everyone enjoys them ..May be god also is enjoying challenges in his worldly game by bringing unlike people together and
On the other side who knows what all differences then would have come into light when these two similar looking would have been together ..
Actually there is nothing that exist and called "perfect matching couple" as once i read in a mail that "Happily Married" is an oxymoron(is a combination of words wherein two words are opposite in meaning from each other).
Oh i forgot yeah i was telling about my routine face to face struggle with amitabh bachchan in small house of mine.

Its like I mistakenly dared to like SRK as many girls like me do.Now my husband, as must be "diamond clear" till now, was in opposite party. A movie "chak de india" got released just after our union in the 'lifetime bond of marriage' but at that time i wasnt much aware of the other affair of my husband (yeah i dont mind mentioning it now , i accepted it very soon that its there). But i realized it when i heard all criticism of SRK's chak de india as of every other movie which i ever liked in my life, Of SRK , like devdas etc and eulogy for Big B.
But surprising was the fact that critics in papers were praising movie but the only critic who used to criticise movie, was in my house.
Then slowly i got to know the actual reason behind that low rating of "chak de india" in my house.It was, no wonder no doubt that i was dwelling in Amitabh bachchan ji's ilaakaa(in hindi) .

If he doesnt mind me disclosing it then you know sometimes i feel he has some past life relationship with Big B.As slowly his walking,speaking,dressing ,dancing everything has started resembling to Big B more than what abhishek bachchan's does.

From then any movie means you can name any movie in which Big B is there we used to watch it in mutiplex on the pretext of good movie .As if he can never be in a flop movie and vice versa is also true.
The Most interesting part of story is My husband never accepts frankly that its amitabh only he is going for.What he claims is Movie is so good
"From past 1 year everyone says its gonna be Big B's best performance ever !! What dhamaka BIg B will do this time!!"
You can clearly see shine in his eyes for his all time love , inflated pupils, childlike excitement, oblivious of all hullabaloo of life. There has been times when we were in non talking terms but because of BIg B's new release he patched up so that we could go together to watch it.On similar lines there has been times when we are so cozy in every term and i tried to prove exaggerated hype of BIG B and ended up with divorcing chaos between us.

Still in his words "its not for BIG B, we are watching movie just because its a good movie".
As all Men you know, they cant give up on ego. Then i gave into his likings and accepted whole heartedly that Big B is the BEST.
Now My man says "see i told you even my younger brother Sonu accepted one day that Big B is best ...even you have accepted it now ..everyone will some day."
Then i thought of course sneakingly "i can understand what all torture Sonu had to go through when he would not be liking Big B" .............
Then i would say its not that without reason i call him GANGSTER ....... :)

he would kill me if he reads it .................

pimple

It sees most after its noticed.

indian youngsters current situation

Many of you might have been surprised over maid working at our home or coolie at stations .....how could someone work so hard at such a low rate....... but we use them buy them get benefits ...and i must say they are also not forced they come in huge number every day ...we can say its a WIN -WIN situation for both BUT pl think again is it actually win win for BOTH ???i think i am getting agreement of many of us ...
but i think ..it may be a win situation for us as we get an alive human being at a cost lesser than cost of a dog.....
i.e we import cheap labour from different poor parts of country to our states to serve us....i think same is the case with many of us today ......

But let's open eyes for some time at least ...try to find answer for a few questions
Why do we study for those 16 years The most basic question ..many answers ...but the most frequent and loud is TO EARN...TO EARN...................................................(continuously hammering in everyone's ears is ..TO EARN)!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEIR LIES THE PROBLEM...............................................................................................
"if you teach your child that money is the most imp thing in world then Be Ready he will sell himself for money someday " By shiv khera
we thrive upon these thoughts from our early days that we are studying hard so that ....we can earn more ......and that poor child thriving upon that "ONE LINE VALUE" run after engineering degree leaving physics chemistry biology maths behind for only last rankers ..now he may pursue
mechanical/civil /electrical/electronic which so ever engineering But instead of having intended different vision depending on his specialisation--has the only ONE LINE VISION is to earn money ....and therefore
when they out to choose from ..=> OUTPUT is only one Software Engineer ...because
That innocent robot gets to know that One Line Value is fulfilled only in SOFTWARE and
he forgets everything else he forgets digital electronics ,forgets microprocessors , transistors motors rotors torque,solid liquid gas he sees one thing is software ....
then a question arises in perplexed mind If this was the decided only output ..then why I spent all time reading bullshit for those four years ...Was that for the purpose of studying, passing and forgetting then again and then doing sth else ....
But again he thinks"ONE LINE VALUE" and finds that motto getting satisfied may be at any cost and
finally the martyr is SATISFIED ..not guilty at all for selling himself as he did what his values said all time..........................................
........................pause!!
but is he Happy also ???? lets see...........
we see starting from iitians to any small private college , engineering student running after anything which fetches more money .....
then my question is is really that ALL what we want ????
please self contemplate for a second is that sufficiently we had ever wished for ................
Was that the same dream we possessed while we studied for past 6 yrs from 10th std to 4th yr of BTech.
Will we sell ourselves to be bullock carts only if we get huge money for that ..
...NO NO NO...

money fetching is not the only thing that can make us "happy"(pl don take this word lightly happy just doesnt mean only money ) for a human being to be actually happy he needs some time for himself ,for his creativity, for his ideas to prosper, for innovation ,for his family ,for his identity to get recognition ...which in current situation is getting trampled due to degrading values of all of us .......

ask yourself which field you are getting into ? why were you studying so hard ?what will you do one day ....?why have you opted for electronics / electrical/mechanical /civil or computer science ..is it only coz that was what all left for you or you had a desire to work pl keep that burning ...i will repeat pl keep that desire burning ...
Go to the field you have worked upon for all time .Dont let yourself to be a robot holding a B Tech degree who can be refreshed and programmed at any time ..WAKE UP !!!! wake up ..don ruin your precious time in serving some brainless but rich foreigners ..wait and work hard but your own things .. IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE choose your way ...
Try to choose the best path fetching Happiness and money both
and leave the workplace with a relived sigh ...humming music coz You did something today for ur souls not only served someone today ..........
thanks

love marriage arrange marriage

i think whichever it is consequence is almost same except the fact that in one you blame your parents for the match in other your parents blame you for the match forever ...........

i think its actually incomplete phrase
love --> marriage --> what ?
arrange --> marriage --> what ?
so me and my hubby completed them like this
me: love/arrange marriage "ghar ki murgi daal ..."
he: love/arrange marriage "naukar biwi ka.."
me: love/arrange marriage "prisoner ..."
he: love/arrange marriage "bankrupt.."
me: love/arrange marriage "carefree ..."
he: love/arrange marriage "responsibility.."
....will write more later

terrorism

I feel if somehow two terrorists collapse with each other we shdnt stop them coz who so ever may win society will be benefited that's for sure ...

movies