a part of me ...

a part of me wants to cry aloud .
a part of me ..........

everytime i open eyes in conscience
a part of me seems deeply dumped in sadness...

a part of me is urging disobediently.. to forget and bring back the time....
its craving for a old normal day together....

a part of me without you is lonely even in stuffed crowd ..
It fears from facing even slightest jerk of life...

a part of me is throwing tantrums
to play hide and seek with times and demand to play only hide part .

a part of me is confused everytime i wake up ....
about why its aching with no visible wound there
and why my eyes are ready to get wet ....

a part of me cruelly fills me with disappointment dissatisfaction & anger
in a moment ...
from you sometimes ...from me but at last from my fate ....

a part of me is going away from me
leaving me alone , coz that part had priorities over me ...
it wants to be happy through something away from me...

a part of me wants to be coddled like so many times earlier
but with same eternal assurance as earlier.

a part of me is making me weak time and again ...is
unbearably leaking with tears in eyes

a part of me feels waste to cry now ...as things have permanently changed now.......

Me , my husband and SRK Vs Amitabh

if you are true indian must be a fan of bollywood and cricket and if you are fan of cricket then you must be fan of sachin tendulakar OR if you are a bollywood freak then you HAVE to be fan of Amitabh that's what i learnt after my marriage.

This is about me who had no interest in watching movies before i got married, for me it was a waste of precious time which i could spend deep in either slumber or in my self help books. But you know, you will see that Its some trick of God that he makes two opposite poles to get married so that those joke books which are getting high sales on the basis of "miya biwi jokes" keep getting sold.
But in any case It happens...that's an undeniable fact .I have couples of my age all around me, cribbing over their differences in nature. Sometimes i feel, how bad GOD must be in organizing people, For If i can see that husband of couple 'X' suits more to wife of couple 'Y' then why cant he see the simple fact !! ..
But i guess he also enjoys these little mirchi fights and why wont he ? If i was given a chance
to edit BIG BOSS to make it a bit better then Would i ever remove those mirchi masala fights no never !! Everyone enjoys them ..May be god also is enjoying challenges in his worldly game by bringing unlike people together and
On the other side who knows what all differences then would have come into light when these two similar looking would have been together ..
Actually there is nothing that exist and called "perfect matching couple" as once i read in a mail that "Happily Married" is an oxymoron(is a combination of words wherein two words are opposite in meaning from each other).
Oh i forgot yeah i was telling about my routine face to face struggle with amitabh bachchan in small house of mine.

Its like I mistakenly dared to like SRK as many girls like me do.Now my husband, as must be "diamond clear" till now, was in opposite party. A movie "chak de india" got released just after our union in the 'lifetime bond of marriage' but at that time i wasnt much aware of the other affair of my husband (yeah i dont mind mentioning it now , i accepted it very soon that its there). But i realized it when i heard all criticism of SRK's chak de india as of every other movie which i ever liked in my life, Of SRK , like devdas etc and eulogy for Big B.
But surprising was the fact that critics in papers were praising movie but the only critic who used to criticise movie, was in my house.
Then slowly i got to know the actual reason behind that low rating of "chak de india" in my house.It was, no wonder no doubt that i was dwelling in Amitabh bachchan ji's ilaakaa(in hindi) .

If he doesnt mind me disclosing it then you know sometimes i feel he has some past life relationship with Big B.As slowly his walking,speaking,dressing ,dancing everything has started resembling to Big B more than what abhishek bachchan's does.

From then any movie means you can name any movie in which Big B is there we used to watch it in mutiplex on the pretext of good movie .As if he can never be in a flop movie and vice versa is also true.
The Most interesting part of story is My husband never accepts frankly that its amitabh only he is going for.What he claims is Movie is so good
"From past 1 year everyone says its gonna be Big B's best performance ever !! What dhamaka BIg B will do this time!!"
You can clearly see shine in his eyes for his all time love , inflated pupils, childlike excitement, oblivious of all hullabaloo of life. There has been times when we were in non talking terms but because of BIg B's new release he patched up so that we could go together to watch it.On similar lines there has been times when we are so cozy in every term and i tried to prove exaggerated hype of BIG B and ended up with divorcing chaos between us.

Still in his words "its not for BIG B, we are watching movie just because its a good movie".
As all Men you know, they cant give up on ego. Then i gave into his likings and accepted whole heartedly that Big B is the BEST.
Now My man says "see i told you even my younger brother Sonu accepted one day that Big B is best ...even you have accepted it now ..everyone will some day."
Then i thought of course sneakingly "i can understand what all torture Sonu had to go through when he would not be liking Big B" .............
Then i would say its not that without reason i call him GANGSTER ....... :)

he would kill me if he reads it .................

I want to die on a single day !

"Go after knowledge and pursue your interest , success will follow you " says aamir khan in movie "3 idiots".I felt like someone has given words and strength to my dormant malnourished thoughts.
i loved these words as for once i felt that enough is enough!!
After conceding to facts that are scribbled in Hindu scriptures that "i am there forever after this life too" i still would like to state to my parents, to society in which i habitated and to everyone around me that i can see and remember only what's happening with me in this life.
I have one life given to me with the simplest intention by HIM is to "be happy ". But in the hard effort of trying to be happy, i started traversing regions which society considers, will make me happy and i kept on telling myself time and again that i am happy in that only.

I forgot that its me running after success can be easily successful if i start enjoying what i am doing .Then i decided
that i want to study and work only what interests me .
Now at least i would read what i enjoy .I would not let any more days in craving for something else and indulged in doing something else.I would live and die doing what i enjoy most .

May be i am not most affluent person at end time but i will be really happy that i am dying on only the actual day not each day when i was given a chance to live.

1)woh taiyaar hain sehne ko har gum, ek agli saans ki chah mein
aur hum hain ki har gum par, khudkushi kar rahe hai ..

2)when i want to talk -- i ask for your time my dear 
when we get  time, i ask for your mood to bear
when we have mood and time, i ask for your patience to hear
when we have time mood and patience ---

i say my deep grim story -- of my long caressed dreams --
not  only of career but also of relation love gleams

so long i waited silently for this moments when you are there
to be with my soul moaning for a friend from long with tears

then
when i find you angry on slightest of talk..
i feel like i have no one who is mine , here
i feel like you are leaving me alone there
i feel like keeping quiet wasn't that tough
the one i face now is more rough


again i go into silence
waiting for my dear friend, lost in woods of work & his duties

where from this anger has come
that has made you turn a deaf ear
to my call
where from this feeling come which
asks me to go very far, very very far instead of
longing to stay with you for whole life
till HIS call.


i feel like my love is no where now
i feel like i am there just like that, there now
i feel like its not the right way of life i lead
i feel like there is so much more we can have ..
so much has changed ,a little softer heart to understand
is all i NEED


i am alone , i will be left alone ,

why do we need to remind ourself that we should be proud of my country

pimple

It sees most after its noticed.

when i used to respect my principles

This is the time i was in college i used to be one with every idealistic rule books being continuously revised in mind . The surprising thing wasnt just that i used to possess all idealistic thoughts but actually was that i never was afraid of asserting them anywhere not even in crowd of 500 when it was my fresher's party in college . I remember how i used to have 'fearfree and clear flowing ideas' of mine on any topic.It seemed that world has not touched,scrached or wounded my skin till then.
Out of those many ideas,One of the strongest , i possessed was "i will marry without dowry" .Being from a hindu agrawal family i had always seen my bua my elder cousins to be in perplexed state before marriage because of the dowry system prevailed in our society .
I from the time i came alive in world had been learning lessons from the world around me.I learnt and made a decision that this all will not happen with me.
I will make myself that valuable in terms of a would be bahu that the person
who can value 'me and only me' will marry me .Anyone who will want to marry on the conditions of those few lakhs of rupees was strict no no from my side.
I was so strict about my opinion at that time that i did not even question myself what if no one like that will ever come in marwari sociey of ours.It seems there no what if ever aroused ...
I am sometimes amused to think how uncalculative risks we take at that age of ours and more surprising is that how we get over those challenges so easily in that age only when we knew no bounds !!.
As today if i see, i measure a petty thing like "a choosing internet connection subscriber" to every centimeter of it and still we make pretty foolish decisions and we have to repent later on .
But at that time i never thought of consequences as if someone had guaranteed me
that you decide something i will change the world according to your wishes .
and i moved on with the intact idea of mine and just kept the life going.


I got a man with good values from marwari affluent family liking me in my organization only.Seeing my priniciples and my inability to cope up with the expected rise in rates of him ,he somehow got agreement from his family and we married.

With time me the same me after three years of marriage is not same now
I am collecting my every saved penny for my younger sister's marriage considering all the facts that good grooms are not at that cheaper rates now a days .
seems that i have been coloured in the same color of society or i may say i am discolored in my terms. I talk about how much is that boy worth of how much we can arrange then finding myself below i try more to get a good deal for my sister.I persuade my father brother to save more so that we can cope with standards of society .I am so cautious about every step we take today as a family wanting their girl to get married in good family.

Today when my brother in law is getting married to a rich daughter of the same status of my in laws, ironic to my that nature, i somewhere feel hesitant in being part of the grand celebration.
Everyone is curiously happy about how good the "relation to be" family is but it seems to be mentioning me that i didnt deserve what i got.its deserved by ppl like that girl who can afford them and important thing is honestly no one of them is actually saying all that crap what i am hearing
That means this is someone inside me only who is telling me all reasons which i should be guilty for ...

What is that has crept into me in all those years .what's that which now doesnt let me say it clearly assertively and firmly among crowds that "i believe in 'No Dowry Marriage System' that's my belief.I believe that and even if its not a tradition out there .Its me only may be believeing it but i know by all my soul's truth that i am right".
I am today earning 5 figure salary that's much more an asset of my parents had been given to my inlaws than they could have got in any dowry .Why am i not that free spirited today as i was in those days

Ironically I must have had bolstered ideas as i got to win by sticking with them till end but actually they seem to be dampened because i got so overwhelmed by people accepting my idea that i left the idea there in between somewhere
Then it reminds me of a thought by someone "Dont respect someone so much that you lose respect for yourself in the process"

Then out of hours of silence and pondering over it i found may be today i myself dont respect my principles that much i used to in those days .I have lost trust in what i deserve to get, its not on someone's alms if i am good today
Perhaps today i care for any tradition of society more than what I myself believe in and my ranking in their "good books" matter to me more than living a life
in my own terms in a free air where i can loudly say that i feel the other way around i beg to differ ......

my first experience of writing fiction

Life is very boring if colored in single color that may be the best color we want is of happiness...
so god colors it in many colors as i was given to write a story i could not afford to make it that boring that it gets happiness always without doing anything so i had to throw challenges on the protagonist and i will throw challenges only on that person in my story who can handle them and give sth useful to another people in my story ......
that's what i feel god also does god must be just like me as i am a small reflection of god only ....

my first exp of writing
i felt its like having life story of someone totally in my hands you start feeling like god's grace being highlighted in you as bright light ....
its like a life story page by page line by line even word by word being figured by you you start to live feel the character and give a turn then normal another turn then normal then another turn then normal and so on
you don't let her life to be smooth that's the symptom we have in us of god

and one more thing i would like to compare writing a story to making a movie i feel writer in himself is not only a writer but with being writer, he has to be a director too as scene is directed by him ,he has to be a camera man also to explain angles from which scene is seen,he has to play the role of actor no doubt as that's what brings mesmerising originality in the scene.

"billu barber" and "chandnichowk to china"
are the two movies out of many recently i have spoiled my hard earned money on ....

most hyped with biggest stars but like what u will say to a diwali cracker which doesnt crack at last ...in hindi we say fuss patakha :)
that's what i say them at my home ..

when i read srk's interview he told that he have not seen his movies from long as he wants to save his time and work more he will watch all of them when he'll be old..but i think he shd watch them at least so that he can keep working till he become old..

it shd not be his and his only advertisement and his personal problems solving platform on which we are wasting our time and money ..

now a days u will see low budget movies like dusvidaniya, wednesday , and like are mush better at giving u sth in return of 3 hrs than these big movies ..so i have now stopped askig for first show tickets now i read reviews then only i go for a movie...

other places r thr where u can boast --pl spare them

This is an incident i thought i would fight back at the same point but could not muster enough courage to do so and repented afterwards ..i was in train coming from delhi to mumbai in rajdhani ..there were a few middle aged men with me in same compartment interacting singing and little light chat about everything starting from politics to food to places to delhi and to US even . in that small compartment ..
then came our dinner time ..waiter as usually came and asked for food ..he brought food then suddenly one man out of the ones sitting around me, shouted that he needs a tablet for stomach ache ..and at the same moment he became center of attention for everyone (as he must have wanted ) then waiter came and asked "sir do u need it "
he said "no not now" the food quality was so bad that he might need that in future :)
that's what u call punjabi from delhi first time out of home.
but things did not end here as he started with kacha rice then hard chapati and kept on picking one item after other ..
and simultaneously kept us fully informed of who all he know in politics ..to which position he can just make a call and that waiter is gone ...and so on
see at this time ppl like us sometime start thinking that Are we some inanimate objects eating same thing so casually which he is complaining so much
or we are so dumbed by situations to say anything
or we actually are wise enough to keep quiet finally what i fond better to believe

but he went on like this ..scene becomes more interesting when other ppl sitting nearby who were not at all complaining anything a few minutes before started fulfilling their long craved need for recognition ..a lady at once told "oh bhaisaab take my rice if its so poor"(so caring was she for an unknown boasting man) ...a man asked that he should complain as its their insult (i thought in india this must be his first day)

then last blow hit the respect of man when the waiter came and he asked for water and that arrogant waiter asked for advance money from civilized man in my compartment ..
He at once made issue of it asking for a complaint book yelling at him ...telling it was their insult was asking money in advance proves that waiter is considering them cheap enough to run away before paying from train ...now that i don't know how people draw such big conclusions from these things ...

now issue raised waiter started apologizing as one complaint means he is lost and may be detained ..he called senior old waiter he started putting his head in the man's feet ...asking for mercy ...but this did not satisfy the man
he then was left with ending the matter with a show of magnanimity of his heart ..he said it was he only now forgiving both of them just because old waiter came and apologized otherwise they don't deserve any ....

so i thought sometime some ppl are left with a few places and a few ppl they can boast in front of and they dont spare them ...

good code-- traversing process list

#define for_each_process(p) \
for (p=&init_task;(p=list_entry((p)->tasks.next,struct,task_struct,tasks))!= &init_task;)

here i wanted to traverse task list from init_task to last task in circular linux process linked list ---
now i started with p=&init_task -- and if i dio it casually i will put the condition that
p!=&init_task but by doing that it wont go inside the loop even once---

what they have done is -- taken p=&init_task and while checking first condition itself incremented the p and chaged it to the next process and then compared it --Good one --

no doubt we too have a solution that is to start with the 2nd node only that is p=&init_task->tasks.next as p's initial value...

but it was good hmmm!!

normally is SELinux enforcing is true i wsnt able to ftp to my pc from remote site

I found out that disabling SELinux solved the problem (watch out for any security issue that might bring)...
To disable SELinux, edit /etc/sysconfig/selinux and put it to 'disabled' (again, make sure you don't lower too much the security of your box)...

in fedora core 5 i believe this can be fixed by going to Security Level and Firewall then the SELinux tab. Then click modify SELinux Policy, ftp and make sure "Allow ftp to read/write in the user home directories" is checked.

Or, just use

/usr/sbin/setsebool -P ftp_home_dir 1

That worked for me.

/usr/sbin/setsebool -P ftp_home_dir 1

Timestamp-to date

Some times I find it difficult to convert the number of seconds from epoch into human readable timestamp. Normally these number of seconds are stored for references as they are easy to manage. Here is the command which we can use in Linux:

date -d@1219310725

This will return

LINUX---adding directory recursively to cvs

It is a tedious task to add a complete directory structure to CVS. Please use these simple commands to add files/directories recursively

find . -type d -print | grep -v CVS | xargs -n1 cvs add
find . -type f -print | grep -v CVS | xargs -n1 cvs add

How to learn while being alert ..

Whenever you face some prob while studying i feel we shd not read text and just blindly start on thinking the same lines as book is saying i found that we should take it as its a problem with the arrangement of things or in some small household practical terms....try to modulate it in some practical terms

(let me give you an example in multitasking i had to give a schedule for my PC for many tasks where some tasks had priority p1 p2 p3 and so on some had deadlines d1 d2 d3 and so on i was to decide schedule for it . the book gave a schedule i understood that but cd nt own it i mean i cd nt know why only this YES ASK YOURSELF WHY ONLY THIS...WHY ONLY THIS SOLUTION ...then ask your mind HEY MIND what other solution do you have if not this ...
then i modulated the prob in terms i do cooking job in kitchen had a few jobs with priority p1 p2 p3 and some jobs with deadline d1 d2 d3 and so on i scheduled them in best way and ...that's all )

then if it was that very practical prob what wd have been a solution to this

(actually this step brings you in comfort zone with the problem you stop fearing from the problem as if it ws sth from outside .)
now try to give best of the solution.
now if your solution is actually best it will match the book's solution and you are WINNER
but if it is not the best solution then you will find some other solution in book then try to fight with book giving problems you feel the other solution will give and you feel your solution will not face. and .....................................keep it up ...
see yourself getting defeated(OR WIN BUT IN RAREST CASE ...Be Honest !!!) in the process by book's solution in this way you will learn where you were lacking in your solution.
(this way you wont be just a passive entity who only learns a solution when its given ,you will be the one who can create solutions to the problem as book does. trust me!!!!! )
you will learn book's solution through the tight fight but it will be really permanent because you have lived the every nuances of the problem now.

They are different

By telling a lie or by deceiving even if we are benefited....then also dont follow the path
..but by being true and honest.. even if we r putting ourself at loss clearly
..still try truth once.......give it a try at least once...there is a power waiting for you to follow it and it will start working in your favour and against in the other case .....

"as mahabharata teaches us that arjun wasnt any one special for krishna it was his authentic karma
according to dharma which has made krishna to be his driver in the biggest battle of his life"

"the man inside you should not die ..may be man outside may have to die once "

if man outside dies in front of people then one day you will be above all ..
whole world will be on your feet ..as trust me people are craving for a true man ...

i have seen admired and identified people who have not been actually social workers.. may not have been in lead of sacrificing social servicemen ..they have just worked in their only field of expertise to the best possible truthful and honest way as is maximum possible

but they are ideal of many ,they are respectable ,they are getting bharat's biggest awards ..they are representing nation.. they are icons.. they are trustworthy ..people can die to save them ..they are nation's asset ...

like Amitabh Bachchan Ratan tata ..bigbajaar idea..mukesh ambani etc......
all of them have a common distinct quality to work for people apparently not directly working for them ..

they actually seemingly might have not done anything for public welfare..........
but if u try to see them closer u will find the only work they do ..is not anyone working ordinarily for himself in his area ..their hard work may be in only their own field but is dedicated to people service ...they have tried their best that people some how through any dimension or through any angle ..if can be should get benefited from their services...
their may be smallest service but it should be in the direction of changing scenes of world positively ....

THAT's the CRUX behind those SOLID IRON characters and their character's only distinguishes these personalities far above people ....

............................................

My Possibilities

My Page of gratitude

out of those many i m grateful to ...mentioning a few..

papa - Mr. K K hada...He is a man who is capable to remember roots even when he is touching skies.
he has shown me a new benchmark of humanity not by his words but by his actual deeds in my life.

indian youngsters current situation

Many of you might have been surprised over maid working at our home or coolie at stations .....how could someone work so hard at such a low rate....... but we use them buy them get benefits ...and i must say they are also not forced they come in huge number every day ...we can say its a WIN -WIN situation for both BUT pl think again is it actually win win for BOTH ???i think i am getting agreement of many of us ...
but i think ..it may be a win situation for us as we get an alive human being at a cost lesser than cost of a dog.....
i.e we import cheap labour from different poor parts of country to our states to serve us....i think same is the case with many of us today ......

But let's open eyes for some time at least ...try to find answer for a few questions
Why do we study for those 16 years The most basic question ..many answers ...but the most frequent and loud is TO EARN...TO EARN...................................................(continuously hammering in everyone's ears is ..TO EARN)!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEIR LIES THE PROBLEM...............................................................................................
"if you teach your child that money is the most imp thing in world then Be Ready he will sell himself for money someday " By shiv khera
we thrive upon these thoughts from our early days that we are studying hard so that ....we can earn more ......and that poor child thriving upon that "ONE LINE VALUE" run after engineering degree leaving physics chemistry biology maths behind for only last rankers ..now he may pursue
mechanical/civil /electrical/electronic which so ever engineering But instead of having intended different vision depending on his specialisation--has the only ONE LINE VISION is to earn money ....and therefore
when they out to choose from ..=> OUTPUT is only one Software Engineer ...because
That innocent robot gets to know that One Line Value is fulfilled only in SOFTWARE and
he forgets everything else he forgets digital electronics ,forgets microprocessors , transistors motors rotors torque,solid liquid gas he sees one thing is software ....
then a question arises in perplexed mind If this was the decided only output ..then why I spent all time reading bullshit for those four years ...Was that for the purpose of studying, passing and forgetting then again and then doing sth else ....
But again he thinks"ONE LINE VALUE" and finds that motto getting satisfied may be at any cost and
finally the martyr is SATISFIED ..not guilty at all for selling himself as he did what his values said all time..........................................
........................pause!!
but is he Happy also ???? lets see...........
we see starting from iitians to any small private college , engineering student running after anything which fetches more money .....
then my question is is really that ALL what we want ????
please self contemplate for a second is that sufficiently we had ever wished for ................
Was that the same dream we possessed while we studied for past 6 yrs from 10th std to 4th yr of BTech.
Will we sell ourselves to be bullock carts only if we get huge money for that ..
...NO NO NO...

money fetching is not the only thing that can make us "happy"(pl don take this word lightly happy just doesnt mean only money ) for a human being to be actually happy he needs some time for himself ,for his creativity, for his ideas to prosper, for innovation ,for his family ,for his identity to get recognition ...which in current situation is getting trampled due to degrading values of all of us .......

ask yourself which field you are getting into ? why were you studying so hard ?what will you do one day ....?why have you opted for electronics / electrical/mechanical /civil or computer science ..is it only coz that was what all left for you or you had a desire to work pl keep that burning ...i will repeat pl keep that desire burning ...
Go to the field you have worked upon for all time .Dont let yourself to be a robot holding a B Tech degree who can be refreshed and programmed at any time ..WAKE UP !!!! wake up ..don ruin your precious time in serving some brainless but rich foreigners ..wait and work hard but your own things .. IT MAY BE DIFFICULT BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE choose your way ...
Try to choose the best path fetching Happiness and money both
and leave the workplace with a relived sigh ...humming music coz You did something today for ur souls not only served someone today ..........
thanks