Rigidity

The way, rigidity towards customs/culture/language, madden us, when coming generations don't own them, it gud that we forget everything in reincarnation

i love you

love you ........
but dont ask me if i loved
then why i m not there with you

then it hurts to think of all
and me alone here .. alone without you

still i can say i love you

what do i do
its so impossible to not think about you

what do i do
its tough to forget you
even for a minute ...
even when i am at work ..
even when i am not at work ..
life is giving continuous jerk
reminding of you ......

what do i do .......................
i have nothing else ...
than saying i love you

dont mistrust me , It hurts
i am alone, kindly learn ...
i am helpless now ...
wanting and losing other see ...

i question him ...
why do i have always cried...
dont i have right to get satisfied....

i will say ..you take care
that comes from my every breath
when i think of you ...
be safe and happy even if you are not here ...take care...

i love you , as far i know myself
i will love you ...as far as i know myself
may god help you ....

there hasnt been a single day,
when i have not done my all ..
in making your things best ,
tried to be a strength of yours ...
in spring and fall ....

thats what i feel ...
though from your side
it might not be something that can heal ...

kindly understand...
its time i need you ...
a lot more than ever ....
please be with me ....
i know you are away ...much more away
very far than ever ....

still maximum we can gift each other
is a continuous smile....
just because we love ....
so only we can smile .....
smile ............lets try to smile ...............

take care ....love you

dooriyan....

one reason , why computer program is not as good as we humans (gadha majdoors )

Its a sorry state that
as much as people can be tweaked beyond requirement spec,
a software can not be!!!

We are happy at 10 pm and sad at 6 am ...

We are sometimes happy when we sleep, as when we sleep we are close to those things which are so difficult to get when we are awake.
we can feel them,we get same pleasure which we will obtain, when actually we will get them ....so enjoy sleeping and dreaming ...its gud yaar ......
.............

i see you ....

i see you ..

i realize that when

your existence becomes easy
then i think of all things that are starry ;
things other than you seem more cheesy !!

but at a time

when your existence itself becomes
the highest i can ask for ......
then those lavish desires seem so useless
i have 'want' for ........

i see you when i sit alone there
on same table holding a glass of juice

i see you when i feel same smell in air
and wind blow in the same speed

i see you when i see colors suddenly around me
if ever i lift my face while walking down there ....

i see you when i cross the place you used to sit
and the stairs where you crossed me to go ahead

i see you , when i feel like holding an arm ,
just above the elbow , it was a bit rough out there
the roughness assured me that it was there .....


i see you , when i , suddenly stepped towards work
there was that bus you used to get down,
come towards me , in all fights even
waiting just there for me , with a smile as a crown !!

i feel you .. when i go back ,
suddenly find you are sitting there once a while ,
on some of the random seat ........
passing a smile ...........


i see you when its tough and heavy for my arms
i see you when there is not a single ear
to hear my qualms .................


i see you when my door opens suddenly , just before lunch
when there is no one to pay for my brunch

when its unknownness in each eye
i feel you were there when its too far you
just like that far moon in sky .................


but the difference is
you are now more with me in each moment
than you were ever before
as its
when your existence itself becomes
the highest i can ask for ......

Time and Fate ... makes us think that way ........

will write soon .........

what people will remember about me

i have learned that people will forget what you said , people will forget what you did , but people will never forget how you made them feel !!

It may not be apparent -- but i have possibilities ...

We know ourselves only that much as is told by people around us , about us.

I know myself, assuring it i make a statement about myself, based on the few events i remember involving me.
But those are only "events",its not necessary that for same event our reaction will be same next time too.For a particular event our reaction is sum of total state of mind , people, environment at that particular time.That doesnt give us a factual knowledge about who we are .
Resultantly when we make a statement about us, we feel doubtful, Am i like that ? will i always behave like that ?
And then in our doubtful state , people around us overpower our thoughts, start controlling our image in our eyes.We start trusting what they tell us , about who we are !!

Now important point is, That observation by people is again based on just events.Still we trust
it and make it truth of our life.

How could someone summarize me when i am, who is living every moment with myself, is so unsure about me?
"you cant do it.I know you "As My friend tells me......
How could someone know me in entirety? There can be thousand unraveled aspects of mine,
with which i might do wonders, which might falsify him totally ...... Yes it may ...

But before pointing anyone for inducing self inferiority in me ... i should ask myself ....At this stage of life , some very simple but pertinent questions ..

Why have i stopped experimenting,exploring with new things, considering benchmarks of my life's few good/bad experiences ? Does getting more experience mean becoming so rigidly intellectual that we dont give IT a try at least ?How can i assume its all i know about "me" and nothing more than that is left which will astonish me ?

Do i dare to meddle with unknown today, as i used to when i was single ?Moreover Did i dare to play with frightening unknowns as i could when i was a child ?

It seems then i was naive on earth wrapped in innocence of childhood , could take any challenge. As i dint know stairs once but without making long risk analysis i tried it yeah!! i just tried it once and many more times..I remember falling from my bicycle so many times before i could just ride it in my street, from one end to other, smoothly.
Important thing is falling at that time never added more weight to my shoulders as it does today , rather it excited me wonderfully.
As growing old on the earth , i am becoming more aware , i am becoming more knowledgeable , with that i am becoming more fearful.yes in very simple words FEARFUL......

Sounds so unfamiliar may be "Whom do i fear ?" One might question ...
I say "from everything..." we have stopped living with free spirit , have stopped being IMPROMPTU Its planning planning planning --- for everything is result of fear, we have, from everything that has possibility to happen in future.

I myself felt my whole day goes in maintaining tiny things ,pending lists of tasks, so that life next day goes smooth , but then i stop and wonder .. Where has life lost in between ????? .........................
..............................................................
Things to organize life, so that we can enjoy later, has consumed whole life itself ...
One of my friend spends time in cleanliness of house to the extent that before she gets time to enjoy that cleanliness turn of next round of cleanliness comes :)
Even I myself sometime while exercising tire myself so much , that when it comes time to work with "that healthy body" i tend to sleep .....
you know someone said .....i spent whole life in stringing and unstringing my guitar to play best music piece some day.

in brief what i mean to say we will have to see priority of things to see our " possibilities" , Certain things are just to smoothen flow of life that is not LIFE itself


We should wake up knowing that its a new life of one day span and sleep thinking one life is over That means Every day i should balance between Enjoyment and Work and instead of leaving enjoyment pending for some other day, some other month OR to some other unpredictable but Planned year !! .

Should hug challenges with the excitement of seeing unknown colors of life as after every such challenge i come out more stronger.Should not anticipate my capabilities and should never even let others to do that
as its impossible to anticipate what i am upto
.........and simplest funda is live everyday Fully ...
enjoy it love everyone around Its too small span of life to hate people ... Love and stay happy Enjoy what we do ............

what surprises me!!

A man whom everyone saw that he killed people brutally in open. Still it took 1 year to prove the same .Not even that same thing will have to be proved right again in all higher courts now !!
I think .. What would be fate of those killers who kill secretly.
Poor criminal will have to wait long for judgement in indian courts
on the pretext of democracy in india.

"what do you think ..he was conducting a survey "he said ..

Its when, i was traveling from Mumbai to Madras for IIT interview after clearing GATE exam.I boarded the train at 3 pm from CST.
Now at around 8 pm a man with pen & paper was coming from other end of my compartment, asking loudly from every one "veg or nonveg ? ".
I, as you might find it difficult to believe, got not at all confused and replied
that I was VEG from my side upper seat .Okay it went well and as it went well, I slept then.

Now at 9 pm that man came again,tapped me and offered me a plate of dinner.
Me coming out of sleep, peeped out of blanket told him "thanks i dont require .".
He said "require means you have ordered it . you will have to take it"
"when did i order dinner and why will i, i have got home made food with me " I said.
"you only told an hour ago " said a guy, sitting on side lower seat , looking surprisingly upwards at me, bending outward from his seat .
"No i dint !! "i told with exclamation
"You said vegeterian " he told
"Oh that i said , but not that i need food......"
"Was he asking for food order then ? "i asked hush hush voice while understanding that i ordered food unknowingly.
" What did you think ? He was conducting a survey, of veg/nonveg people, here in train ? " everyone laughed at his question to me
they all understood it must be my first journey in train .
"I thought he is asking everyone , and everyone is replying, so did i ..." i was so embarrassed.
and i took food quietly.

but till date i remember, how funny was to declare my vegetarian status, when i had no intention of ordering food .:)

a part of me ...

a part of me wants to cry aloud .
a part of me ..........

everytime i open eyes in conscience
a part of me seems deeply dumped in sadness...

a part of me is urging disobediently.. to forget and bring back the time....
its craving for a old normal day together....

a part of me without you is lonely even in stuffed crowd ..
It fears from facing even slightest jerk of life...

a part of me is throwing tantrums
to play hide and seek with times and demand to play only hide part .

a part of me is confused everytime i wake up ....
about why its aching with no visible wound there
and why my eyes are ready to get wet ....

a part of me cruelly fills me with disappointment dissatisfaction & anger
in a moment ...
from you sometimes ...from me but at last from my fate ....

a part of me is going away from me
leaving me alone , coz that part had priorities over me ...
it wants to be happy through something away from me...

a part of me wants to be coddled like so many times earlier
but with same eternal assurance as earlier.

a part of me is making me weak time and again ...is
unbearably leaking with tears in eyes

a part of me feels waste to cry now ...as things have permanently changed now.......

Me , my husband and SRK Vs Amitabh

if you are true indian must be a fan of bollywood and cricket and if you are fan of cricket then you must be fan of sachin tendulakar OR if you are a bollywood freak then you HAVE to be fan of Amitabh that's what i learnt after my marriage.

This is about me who had no interest in watching movies before i got married, for me it was a waste of precious time which i could spend deep in either slumber or in my self help books. But you know, you will see that Its some trick of God that he makes two opposite poles to get married so that those joke books which are getting high sales on the basis of "miya biwi jokes" keep getting sold.
But in any case It happens...that's an undeniable fact .I have couples of my age all around me, cribbing over their differences in nature. Sometimes i feel, how bad GOD must be in organizing people, For If i can see that husband of couple 'X' suits more to wife of couple 'Y' then why cant he see the simple fact !! ..
But i guess he also enjoys these little mirchi fights and why wont he ? If i was given a chance
to edit BIG BOSS to make it a bit better then Would i ever remove those mirchi masala fights no never !! Everyone enjoys them ..May be god also is enjoying challenges in his worldly game by bringing unlike people together and
On the other side who knows what all differences then would have come into light when these two similar looking would have been together ..
Actually there is nothing that exist and called "perfect matching couple" as once i read in a mail that "Happily Married" is an oxymoron(is a combination of words wherein two words are opposite in meaning from each other).
Oh i forgot yeah i was telling about my routine face to face struggle with amitabh bachchan in small house of mine.

Its like I mistakenly dared to like SRK as many girls like me do.Now my husband, as must be "diamond clear" till now, was in opposite party. A movie "chak de india" got released just after our union in the 'lifetime bond of marriage' but at that time i wasnt much aware of the other affair of my husband (yeah i dont mind mentioning it now , i accepted it very soon that its there). But i realized it when i heard all criticism of SRK's chak de india as of every other movie which i ever liked in my life, Of SRK , like devdas etc and eulogy for Big B.
But surprising was the fact that critics in papers were praising movie but the only critic who used to criticise movie, was in my house.
Then slowly i got to know the actual reason behind that low rating of "chak de india" in my house.It was, no wonder no doubt that i was dwelling in Amitabh bachchan ji's ilaakaa(in hindi) .

If he doesnt mind me disclosing it then you know sometimes i feel he has some past life relationship with Big B.As slowly his walking,speaking,dressing ,dancing everything has started resembling to Big B more than what abhishek bachchan's does.

From then any movie means you can name any movie in which Big B is there we used to watch it in mutiplex on the pretext of good movie .As if he can never be in a flop movie and vice versa is also true.
The Most interesting part of story is My husband never accepts frankly that its amitabh only he is going for.What he claims is Movie is so good
"From past 1 year everyone says its gonna be Big B's best performance ever !! What dhamaka BIg B will do this time!!"
You can clearly see shine in his eyes for his all time love , inflated pupils, childlike excitement, oblivious of all hullabaloo of life. There has been times when we were in non talking terms but because of BIg B's new release he patched up so that we could go together to watch it.On similar lines there has been times when we are so cozy in every term and i tried to prove exaggerated hype of BIG B and ended up with divorcing chaos between us.

Still in his words "its not for BIG B, we are watching movie just because its a good movie".
As all Men you know, they cant give up on ego. Then i gave into his likings and accepted whole heartedly that Big B is the BEST.
Now My man says "see i told you even my younger brother Sonu accepted one day that Big B is best ...even you have accepted it now ..everyone will some day."
Then i thought of course sneakingly "i can understand what all torture Sonu had to go through when he would not be liking Big B" .............
Then i would say its not that without reason i call him GANGSTER ....... :)

he would kill me if he reads it .................

I want to die on a single day !

"Go after knowledge and pursue your interest , success will follow you " says aamir khan in movie "3 idiots".I felt like someone has given words and strength to my dormant malnourished thoughts.
i loved these words as for once i felt that enough is enough!!
After conceding to facts that are scribbled in Hindu scriptures that "i am there forever after this life too" i still would like to state to my parents, to society in which i habitated and to everyone around me that i can see and remember only what's happening with me in this life.
I have one life given to me with the simplest intention by HIM is to "be happy ". But in the hard effort of trying to be happy, i started traversing regions which society considers, will make me happy and i kept on telling myself time and again that i am happy in that only.

I forgot that its me running after success can be easily successful if i start enjoying what i am doing .Then i decided
that i want to study and work only what interests me .
Now at least i would read what i enjoy .I would not let any more days in craving for something else and indulged in doing something else.I would live and die doing what i enjoy most .

May be i am not most affluent person at end time but i will be really happy that i am dying on only the actual day not each day when i was given a chance to live.

1)woh taiyaar hain sehne ko har gum, ek agli saans ki chah mein
aur hum hain ki har gum par, khudkushi kar rahe hai ..

2)when i want to talk -- i ask for your time my dear 
when we get  time, i ask for your mood to bear
when we have mood and time, i ask for your patience to hear
when we have time mood and patience ---

i say my deep grim story -- of my long caressed dreams --
not  only of career but also of relation love gleams

so long i waited silently for this moments when you are there
to be with my soul moaning for a friend from long with tears

then
when i find you angry on slightest of talk..
i feel like i have no one who is mine , here
i feel like you are leaving me alone there
i feel like keeping quiet wasn't that tough
the one i face now is more rough


again i go into silence
waiting for my dear friend, lost in woods of work & his duties

where from this anger has come
that has made you turn a deaf ear
to my call
where from this feeling come which
asks me to go very far, very very far instead of
longing to stay with you for whole life
till HIS call.


i feel like my love is no where now
i feel like i am there just like that, there now
i feel like its not the right way of life i lead
i feel like there is so much more we can have ..
so much has changed ,a little softer heart to understand
is all i NEED


i am alone , i will be left alone ,

why do we need to remind ourself that we should be proud of my country

pimple

It sees most after its noticed.

when i used to respect my principles

This is the time i was in college i used to be one with every idealistic rule books being continuously revised in mind . The surprising thing wasnt just that i used to possess all idealistic thoughts but actually was that i never was afraid of asserting them anywhere not even in crowd of 500 when it was my fresher's party in college . I remember how i used to have 'fearfree and clear flowing ideas' of mine on any topic.It seemed that world has not touched,scrached or wounded my skin till then.
Out of those many ideas,One of the strongest , i possessed was "i will marry without dowry" .Being from a hindu agrawal family i had always seen my bua my elder cousins to be in perplexed state before marriage because of the dowry system prevailed in our society .
I from the time i came alive in world had been learning lessons from the world around me.I learnt and made a decision that this all will not happen with me.
I will make myself that valuable in terms of a would be bahu that the person
who can value 'me and only me' will marry me .Anyone who will want to marry on the conditions of those few lakhs of rupees was strict no no from my side.
I was so strict about my opinion at that time that i did not even question myself what if no one like that will ever come in marwari sociey of ours.It seems there no what if ever aroused ...
I am sometimes amused to think how uncalculative risks we take at that age of ours and more surprising is that how we get over those challenges so easily in that age only when we knew no bounds !!.
As today if i see, i measure a petty thing like "a choosing internet connection subscriber" to every centimeter of it and still we make pretty foolish decisions and we have to repent later on .
But at that time i never thought of consequences as if someone had guaranteed me
that you decide something i will change the world according to your wishes .
and i moved on with the intact idea of mine and just kept the life going.


I got a man with good values from marwari affluent family liking me in my organization only.Seeing my priniciples and my inability to cope up with the expected rise in rates of him ,he somehow got agreement from his family and we married.

With time me the same me after three years of marriage is not same now
I am collecting my every saved penny for my younger sister's marriage considering all the facts that good grooms are not at that cheaper rates now a days .
seems that i have been coloured in the same color of society or i may say i am discolored in my terms. I talk about how much is that boy worth of how much we can arrange then finding myself below i try more to get a good deal for my sister.I persuade my father brother to save more so that we can cope with standards of society .I am so cautious about every step we take today as a family wanting their girl to get married in good family.

Today when my brother in law is getting married to a rich daughter of the same status of my in laws, ironic to my that nature, i somewhere feel hesitant in being part of the grand celebration.
Everyone is curiously happy about how good the "relation to be" family is but it seems to be mentioning me that i didnt deserve what i got.its deserved by ppl like that girl who can afford them and important thing is honestly no one of them is actually saying all that crap what i am hearing
That means this is someone inside me only who is telling me all reasons which i should be guilty for ...

What is that has crept into me in all those years .what's that which now doesnt let me say it clearly assertively and firmly among crowds that "i believe in 'No Dowry Marriage System' that's my belief.I believe that and even if its not a tradition out there .Its me only may be believeing it but i know by all my soul's truth that i am right".
I am today earning 5 figure salary that's much more an asset of my parents had been given to my inlaws than they could have got in any dowry .Why am i not that free spirited today as i was in those days

Ironically I must have had bolstered ideas as i got to win by sticking with them till end but actually they seem to be dampened because i got so overwhelmed by people accepting my idea that i left the idea there in between somewhere
Then it reminds me of a thought by someone "Dont respect someone so much that you lose respect for yourself in the process"

Then out of hours of silence and pondering over it i found may be today i myself dont respect my principles that much i used to in those days .I have lost trust in what i deserve to get, its not on someone's alms if i am good today
Perhaps today i care for any tradition of society more than what I myself believe in and my ranking in their "good books" matter to me more than living a life
in my own terms in a free air where i can loudly say that i feel the other way around i beg to differ ......

my first experience of writing fiction

Life is very boring if colored in single color that may be the best color we want is of happiness...
so god colors it in many colors as i was given to write a story i could not afford to make it that boring that it gets happiness always without doing anything so i had to throw challenges on the protagonist and i will throw challenges only on that person in my story who can handle them and give sth useful to another people in my story ......
that's what i feel god also does god must be just like me as i am a small reflection of god only ....

my first exp of writing
i felt its like having life story of someone totally in my hands you start feeling like god's grace being highlighted in you as bright light ....
its like a life story page by page line by line even word by word being figured by you you start to live feel the character and give a turn then normal another turn then normal then another turn then normal and so on
you don't let her life to be smooth that's the symptom we have in us of god

and one more thing i would like to compare writing a story to making a movie i feel writer in himself is not only a writer but with being writer, he has to be a director too as scene is directed by him ,he has to be a camera man also to explain angles from which scene is seen,he has to play the role of actor no doubt as that's what brings mesmerising originality in the scene.

"billu barber" and "chandnichowk to china"
are the two movies out of many recently i have spoiled my hard earned money on ....

most hyped with biggest stars but like what u will say to a diwali cracker which doesnt crack at last ...in hindi we say fuss patakha :)
that's what i say them at my home ..

when i read srk's interview he told that he have not seen his movies from long as he wants to save his time and work more he will watch all of them when he'll be old..but i think he shd watch them at least so that he can keep working till he become old..

it shd not be his and his only advertisement and his personal problems solving platform on which we are wasting our time and money ..

now a days u will see low budget movies like dusvidaniya, wednesday , and like are mush better at giving u sth in return of 3 hrs than these big movies ..so i have now stopped askig for first show tickets now i read reviews then only i go for a movie...