Sunday, July 26, 2009


It sees most after its noticed.

when i used to respect my principles

This is the time i was in college i used to be one with every idealistic rule books being continuously revised in mind . The surprising thing wasnt just that i used to possess all idealistic thoughts but actually was that i never was afraid of asserting them anywhere not even in crowd of 500 when it was my fresher's party in college . I remember how i used to have 'fearfree and clear flowing ideas' of mine on any topic.It seemed that world has not touched,scrached or wounded my skin till then.
Out of those many ideas,One of the strongest , i possessed was "i will marry without dowry" .Being from a hindu agrawal family i had always seen my bua my elder cousins to be in perplexed state before marriage because of the dowry system prevailed in our society .
I from the time i came alive in world had been learning lessons from the world around me.I learnt and made a decision that this all will not happen with me.
I will make myself that valuable in terms of a would be bahu that the person
who can value 'me and only me' will marry me .Anyone who will want to marry on the conditions of those few lakhs of rupees was strict no no from my side.
I was so strict about my opinion at that time that i did not even question myself what if no one like that will ever come in marwari sociey of ours.It seems there no what if ever aroused ...
I am sometimes amused to think how uncalculative risks we take at that age of ours and more surprising is that how we get over those challenges so easily in that age only when we knew no bounds !!.
As today if i see, i measure a petty thing like "a choosing internet connection subscriber" to every centimeter of it and still we make pretty foolish decisions and we have to repent later on .
But at that time i never thought of consequences as if someone had guaranteed me
that you decide something i will change the world according to your wishes .
and i moved on with the intact idea of mine and just kept the life going.

I got a man with good values from marwari affluent family liking me in my organization only.Seeing my priniciples and my inability to cope up with the expected rise in rates of him ,he somehow got agreement from his family and we married.

With time me the same me after three years of marriage is not same now
I am collecting my every saved penny for my younger sister's marriage considering all the facts that good grooms are not at that cheaper rates now a days .
seems that i have been coloured in the same color of society or i may say i am discolored in my terms. I talk about how much is that boy worth of how much we can arrange then finding myself below i try more to get a good deal for my sister.I persuade my father brother to save more so that we can cope with standards of society .I am so cautious about every step we take today as a family wanting their girl to get married in good family.

Today when my brother in law is getting married to a rich daughter of the same status of my in laws, ironic to my that nature, i somewhere feel hesitant in being part of the grand celebration.
Everyone is curiously happy about how good the "relation to be" family is but it seems to be mentioning me that i didnt deserve what i got.its deserved by ppl like that girl who can afford them and important thing is honestly no one of them is actually saying all that crap what i am hearing
That means this is someone inside me only who is telling me all reasons which i should be guilty for ...

What is that has crept into me in all those years .what's that which now doesnt let me say it clearly assertively and firmly among crowds that "i believe in 'No Dowry Marriage System' that's my belief.I believe that and even if its not a tradition out there .Its me only may be believeing it but i know by all my soul's truth that i am right".
I am today earning 5 figure salary that's much more an asset of my parents had been given to my inlaws than they could have got in any dowry .Why am i not that free spirited today as i was in those days

Ironically I must have had bolstered ideas as i got to win by sticking with them till end but actually they seem to be dampened because i got so overwhelmed by people accepting my idea that i left the idea there in between somewhere
Then it reminds me of a thought by someone "Dont respect someone so much that you lose respect for yourself in the process"

Then out of hours of silence and pondering over it i found may be today i myself dont respect my principles that much i used to in those days .I have lost trust in what i deserve to get, its not on someone's alms if i am good today
Perhaps today i care for any tradition of society more than what I myself believe in and my ranking in their "good books" matter to me more than living a life
in my own terms in a free air where i can loudly say that i feel the other way around i beg to differ ......

Friday, May 15, 2009

my first experience of writing fiction

Life is very boring if colored in single color that may be the best color we want is of happiness...
so god colors it in many colors as i was given to write a story i could not afford to make it that boring that it gets happiness always without doing anything so i had to throw challenges on the protagonist and i will throw challenges only on that person in my story who can handle them and give sth useful to another people in my story ......
that's what i feel god also does god must be just like me as i am a small reflection of god only ....

my first exp of writing
i felt its like having life story of someone totally in my hands you start feeling like god's grace being highlighted in you as bright light ....
its like a life story page by page line by line even word by word being figured by you you start to live feel the character and give a turn then normal another turn then normal then another turn then normal and so on
you don't let her life to be smooth that's the symptom we have in us of god

and one more thing i would like to compare writing a story to making a movie i feel writer in himself is not only a writer but with being writer, he has to be a director too as scene is directed by him ,he has to be a camera man also to explain angles from which scene is seen,he has to play the role of actor no doubt as that's what brings mesmerising originality in the scene.

Monday, March 30, 2009

"billu barber" and "chandnichowk to china"
are the two movies out of many recently i have spoiled my hard earned money on ....

most hyped with biggest stars but like what u will say to a diwali cracker which doesnt crack at last hindi we say fuss patakha :)
that's what i say them at my home ..

when i read srk's interview he told that he have not seen his movies from long as he wants to save his time and work more he will watch all of them when he'll be old..but i think he shd watch them at least so that he can keep working till he become old..

it shd not be his and his only advertisement and his personal problems solving platform on which we are wasting our time and money ..

now a days u will see low budget movies like dusvidaniya, wednesday , and like are mush better at giving u sth in return of 3 hrs than these big movies i have now stopped askig for first show tickets now i read reviews then only i go for a movie...

other places r thr where u can boast --pl spare them

This is an incident i thought i would fight back at the same point but could not muster enough courage to do so and repented afterwards ..i was in train coming from delhi to mumbai in rajdhani ..there were a few middle aged men with me in same compartment interacting singing and little light chat about everything starting from politics to food to places to delhi and to US even . in that small compartment ..
then came our dinner time ..waiter as usually came and asked for food ..he brought food then suddenly one man out of the ones sitting around me, shouted that he needs a tablet for stomach ache ..and at the same moment he became center of attention for everyone (as he must have wanted ) then waiter came and asked "sir do u need it "
he said "no not now" the food quality was so bad that he might need that in future :)
that's what u call punjabi from delhi first time out of home.
but things did not end here as he started with kacha rice then hard chapati and kept on picking one item after other ..
and simultaneously kept us fully informed of who all he know in politics which position he can just make a call and that waiter is gone ...and so on
see at this time ppl like us sometime start thinking that Are we some inanimate objects eating same thing so casually which he is complaining so much
or we are so dumbed by situations to say anything
or we actually are wise enough to keep quiet finally what i fond better to believe

but he went on like this ..scene becomes more interesting when other ppl sitting nearby who were not at all complaining anything a few minutes before started fulfilling their long craved need for recognition ..a lady at once told "oh bhaisaab take my rice if its so poor"(so caring was she for an unknown boasting man) ...a man asked that he should complain as its their insult (i thought in india this must be his first day)

then last blow hit the respect of man when the waiter came and he asked for water and that arrogant waiter asked for advance money from civilized man in my compartment ..
He at once made issue of it asking for a complaint book yelling at him ...telling it was their insult was asking money in advance proves that waiter is considering them cheap enough to run away before paying from train that i don't know how people draw such big conclusions from these things ...

now issue raised waiter started apologizing as one complaint means he is lost and may be detained ..he called senior old waiter he started putting his head in the man's feet ...asking for mercy ...but this did not satisfy the man
he then was left with ending the matter with a show of magnanimity of his heart ..he said it was he only now forgiving both of them just because old waiter came and apologized otherwise they don't deserve any ....

so i thought sometime some ppl are left with a few places and a few ppl they can boast in front of and they dont spare them ...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

good code-- traversing process list

#define for_each_process(p) \
for (p=&init_task;(p=list_entry((p)->,struct,task_struct,tasks))!= &init_task;)

here i wanted to traverse task list from init_task to last task in circular linux process linked list ---
now i started with p=&init_task -- and if i dio it casually i will put the condition that
p!=&init_task but by doing that it wont go inside the loop even once---

what they have done is -- taken p=&init_task and while checking first condition itself incremented the p and chaged it to the next process and then compared it --Good one --

no doubt we too have a solution that is to start with the 2nd node only that is p=&init_task-> as p's initial value...

but it was good hmmm!!